Why do we still feel attached or jealous when a covert narcissist moves on, even after realizing their toxicity and the suffering they caused?

most dont seek treatment and most do the most irrational thing they download all their crap on to you and brainwash you to become obediant. To sell what they are buying.

again the dynamics you are constantly in conflict with is they dont see you as a person, they see you as supply. Something to exploit

ill leave it on this note

Hi everybody! I have been looking at posts on narcs and narc abuse on here and if has really helped me out a lot. I am currently struggling with my situation and need some advice/support. I met a narc last year, everything seemed to good to be true. Love bombing, always texting calling and taking me on dates. Everything changed when someone warned me about him out in public in front of him and who he is. This caused a conflict with us and the love bombing seized. he would tell me that everything is okay and i can come and talk. He would set a time limit on me and kick me out after that. he would then text me like everything was fine and we hung out again and after that he completely ghosted me for one week. He came back and texted me a week later laughing about the ghosting and acting like nothing had happened. he continued to text me ( not like in the beginning) make plans with me, then on the day of the plans he would just ghost me. One day he would act interested the next silence. i contacted him a month later and he acted like nothing happened. He was on a vacation and sent me a picture of another woman ( someone he allegedly met on the trip) to strike a reaction but i never gave him one. After the trip he came to my place and was extremely rude, accusing me of going on dates with a bunch of men. The next day he accused me of being an alcoholic and that he wanted nothing to do with me but said well maybe we can be "friends" then ghosted me i assumed at this point it was over and i would never hear from him again. He contacted me on the holiday a month later acting like everything was great. We ended up hanging out a month or so later and when we hung out it went well, i thought things were going in the right direction. after we hung out.. silence. I would try to text him and if he replied it would be very short then he just stopped replying. He ghosted me for almost three months. I thought he was done this time and of course he popped up again like nothing happened. At this point i was getting sick of if so i questioned him as to why he dissapeared and always does this. Of course he had some sob story about a injury and family member dying of cancer. I felt pity for him and he gave me an apology.. so i took him back stupidly. things seemed to be going smooth for a couple months, of course until his family member died and his injury got better he never contacted me and was distant. Menawhile, i was there for him during the difficult time for him. He lied to me about the funeral and never wanted to chat. I was chasing him and he would always claim nothing was wrong but when i said i thought he used me when he was down he could not handle it and would always tell me he didnt care and to go away. I would get so upset i would try texting him to work it out he would barelt respond and if he did he would not be nice about it. we did hang out a couple times after that, he would ignore me after. One day i was like hey i think you are seeing someone else, and i was like well ixam seeing someone so no problem if you are he said " buy bye good luck with your new guy stop contacting me" i was devastated and tried to get into contact with him for weeks then i just gave up and accepted it was over. He ended up contacting me a month later acting like everything was fine. He wanted to go out and have drinks i told him i would. He and i both seemed to have a great time. He ends up ignoring me again. I kept texting him trying to figure out what was wrong. He kept saying everything was fine and i said ok can we hang out again? He said maybe i was like why? He just kept saying maybe … our last conversation we had… i said what is wrong ? He said nothing is wrong everything is fine. I asked him why he keeps saying maybe. He said " maybe but i dont want to see you right now" i said why? He saix " im just not feeling it, if i wanted to date i would" i said why did you contact me less then a week ago wanting to go out? He said i didnt.. even though he did. So i said should i just move on or what? He said whatever you want to do. So i said that he was really confusing me and asked him if he had anything more to say before i move on? My messages were turning green so i panicked he blocked me and reacted irrationally. I said " omg did you block me? My messages are not going through. Even texted him on my work phone asking what was up. And called him twice ( please dont judge me i know it is pathetic i never was this type of girl before him) so he replied and said " Ok I'll block you now" then immedietly blocked me. He has never blocked me before since I have met him he will just ghost. Is this ths final discard aka " grand finale? Did i just push him too far? this has upset me so much its hard to even function.

In effect without these two ingrediants your relationship is going to tank only you dont know it because they fake empathy, they fake connection (mirroring). They do not have the capacity for emotional attachment and emotionally availability… why?

1. They do not bond

you get stuck in the conned idealizattion stage they force fed you and their is this thing called cognitive dissonance that blinds you between dr hekyl mrs hyde.

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(Most dont know or will admit they are off or ill and the more malignant types that do know do not care)

they truly want to love and to be loved and this is is the part you get sucked into.

after that you simply get shelved or dumped into a dust bin.

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or they make life such hell you leave or they push you away and out.

rinse and repeat. You exist in their grandiosity only to serve, obey, capitulate, agree, go along with, lift them up, provide supply and if you fall out of that frame work then you get punished. You get ghosted. You get discarded. Devalued. You are effortlessly cut out of their mind. Look up splitting, object impermanance and object inconstancy.

you may have betrayal trauma

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you may just be lonely and out of a bad relationship and they are preditors for you when you still raw

2.they may have cognitive empathy but lack wnotional empathy.

but you can and will heal.

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Think if it this way its almost a disorder where they dont live in reality and they bend yours. The goal is to take the spot light off of them and to download all the chaos, confusion, drama and manipulation

It is probably the most asked question.

no one wants to admit your relationship tanked, you are in over your head and for many of us we get locked into thinking it was our fault, we can FIX them, they just need therapy, we can pray it away. For coverts they capitolize on that you fall for their victimhood stance. These slippery snakes absolutely pray on your desire to fix or help them. They will suck you in, suck you dry, discard you and move on and your brain cannot fathom your loved one just robbed you of time, energy, your love, your vulnerability, your kindness and your left with picking up the pieces , scared shitless to trust again because you now have to reprogram your mind that your whole entire relationship was a big fat nothing burger and they dont care.

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you cant change them

all good and all bad.

you didnt cause it

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it could be you were raised in a cluster b home

however in a matter of months your going to be inteoduced to the carbon copy little hiccups of ommissions, lies, off behaviour, incongruencies and dor most if us we may pick up on these things but make no mistake these folks work their magic with counteracting it with gas lighting, deflection , blame shifting and manipulating behaviour. In effect they very consiously start covering their tracks knowing you care for them or love them. Its very easy to play with you because who expects a loved one to be duplicitious. You almost believe the shyte they spoon feed you laced with sugar.

they NEED supply (pos or neg)

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you cant control it

in time your going to experience cycles of

your trying to move forward with a person who is trying to hide the deep insecurity that they are broken, off, not happy, not secure, not open to introspection, and in this your going to recognize all narcs thrust from the position of

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They are putting their best feet forward to provide the illusion of who they are and it is amazing at breaking down your defenses, boundaries and cement your trust. No cluster b ever comes into your life wearing a warning label and a neon sign that they are coming into your life to only eventually to tear it apart.

you often begin capitulating or live in limbo confused as they have ways of counteracting your such as gas lighting, future faking, silent treatment, stone walling, projecting, blame shifting, rewritting history or events and you wont even know what planet your on.

unless you provide supply.

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on to you.

targets may experience in the idealization stage of love bombing, securing , mirroring and grooming. This is the point where you are feeling the first taste of brainwashing.

you dont get an education in cluster b in high school. In college and university most undergrads are not going to get this education unless you specialize in mental health , psychiatry, psychology , addictions etc. even then you get book smart but thats not the same as lived experience.

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mean

them

discard

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Idealize to devalue

some cast you in a state of limbo and while you are immovilized they live their secret life under your radar. Often hidden on there phones, laptops, ipads, at work, when your at work, busy with the kids etc. sound effed up and like a stephen king book ? Well it is. And heres the kicker they are in your churches, your politics, at work and in your families and even your bed. We live in a society where narcissism is even rewarded or you have institutions that mask abuse. Make no mistake it is abuse, it is domestic abuse and it is an epidemic.

(hopefully my crash course helps)

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Also you probably arent , just like most of us at the time, not educated in cluster b , you have your own lens and in your life time you may have heard the term narcissist but never imagined yould actually end up marrying or pairing with one.

and this is the devaluation stage. Now sonce we know they are essentially broken how do you get rid of a problem you created?

you may have met a narc and never knew it.

their is no set answer to this as they are individuals and as different as we are individuals and we are all unique.

sometimes hoover

and here is a reason many dont acknowledge you just happened to be there. No other reason. Statistics prove ten percent are out there. Chances are one in ten your going to cross paths

you lack boundaries

to

the suffering they cause in their minds is the contractual obligation you unknowingly signed for by allowing them in your life. Its rely that simple. They only have two black n white views of you

after idealization you become relaxed, your guard is down. Your thinking this feels good.

control

that may be sex, money, resources, praise, adoration, your looks, your happiness, codependency, they even get off on conflict as supply. Whatever they feel they can exploit. Again this is very stuff you didnt learn on oprah or readers digest.

nothing

so here is my crash course !

thats why pwNPD leaves scars and trauma and

cowardly by ghosting

it could be codependence

The most off putting truths you learn is

to them its a means to an end and the self fulfillment of their prophecy. They are parasites in prada. They are sexual preditors. They can be spiritual preditors. They prop you up, secure you, use you and if it falls apart good luck in closure or answers because generally most dont have the temerity to make amends, give you closure, walk with you while your healing and trying to give you an understanding of why they did the dine n dash or hit n run

they all have to polish their grandiosity

they try to hide their inner conflict

in these cycles they cannot handle stress, crisis, life’s problems and that includes how to engage in a healthy relationship where its essential to love, reciprocate, make relationship goals, and so on.

you may have bought what they are selling its exactly how experts describe the infiltration of cults operate and cult leaders.

So while they meander through life your needs, your wants, your desires are nothing to them. With no empathy, no idea or care to what makes you tick your going to repeatedly expect them to be compatable to sunchronize to join you on your journey and they will become bored with you. Your supply gets stale and so most cheat, have affairs, struggle with comorbities, porn, depression, anxiety and cannot cope with life so whatever comes across their path that grandiosity kicks in and they will easily get into all these self destructive areas and they have very little care to how that impacts you. Your not a person your supply. When you cant connect with your partner then all the cluster b stuff pops up your clueless and all they know is they ARE entitled to lie, cheat, steal and its compulsary. Its in their dna. They have some all thos before you came along and will keep doing ot when your gone.

How ever for starters

They literally are able to compartmentalize you out of existence. This is a mal adaptive coping mechanism to assuage them from guilt and accountability. Its the biggest truth your brain has to learn. Every minute you shared with them that you cherrished and hold space for can be washed clean and with no remorse or empathy how that is going to hurt you to the core you

devalue

so you get into these relationships with a petulant child that has zero clue how to adult, communicate, problem solve, emote properly, and they have no inner core of self.

rinse and repeat.

you are incompatable from the minute you went on your first date. Again you dont know this and for most of them they may yave a sense they are off but it usually ends there.

Narcs are formed at early childhood either by neglect, abandonment, trauma, bad parenting, genetics, environment, etc and they are stunted here. So basically you have a child that ages only they dont develop into adulthood like normal folks.

you may lack education in this area

so why you ask why do you feel attached? Its caused trauma bonding

idealize

lets face it coverts are called coverts for a reason (hidden). The introverted passive aggressive styles. Overts are the greagarious , over the top and extroverted types. Plus you have other flavors and incarnations but lets just stick with these two common types. So with the terms of sociopath, psychopath, malignants, borderlines and with various personality attachment styles is it no wonder where this all gets very overwhelming.